A popular television news anchor was killed during a broadcast last night. Her name is being withheld. The suspect, seen fleeing the building, may have been a man or woman wearing dark or light clothing. If you know the suspect you are advised to call 911.
Ever actually listen to the national news broadcasts? Who do they think they’re talking to, chicken liver? The ‘reports’ have no specific location, no suspects, descriptions, or outcome. What really finished it for me was Tuesday night’s ABC wrap, A fire in a plastics factory killed six in India. Period. What? Are they just irritated at India (a large country) or plastics or fires. That’s got to be some kind of code. (Aren’t there newsroom EDITORS any more?)
So I thought if I brought it home, like to the Radio or TV station’s own building, (pretend it’s a city) I might encourage these self-obsessed knuckleheads to actually think about what they broadcast as if the content of the news they deliver had some import to the people hearing it.
HERE’S DICK AND JANE WITH THE NIGHTLY NEWS…………………..
A person was seen in the broadcast center nursery early this morning, running and making random assault-knife attacks on women and their children, the station staff and nursing mothers. Seven people were taken to the hospital across town and one adult or child is reported dead, maybe. There is no description of the person of interest. We are withholding the number of the floor in our building to prevent civil unrest. The possible suspect person has not been caught but unless you work in TV there is no danger to you, but police recommend hiding in your house for the next week and locking the doors. If you have a family member working here, you will not be permitted in the building until day after tomorrow. The photographs you see here are generic, and from another city. (You don’t have children, do you, Dick? I’ve got nannies at home, thank God.) Please don’t call the newsroom, we’re busy.
Our radio affiliate and three camera crews on the twelfth floor report 16 cases of food poisoning in the building’s cafeteria over the last week. The cafeteria is catered by one of those supermarkets on the next block, midtown. Investigations are expected to reveal the source of the virulent toxins but management says there is no cause for alarm. Waldorf Salad, lean beef strips, green beans with almond, and cantaloupe today. As per White House recommendations and ‘eat healthy’ funding, the cafeteria no longer carries dessert. But then, we’re on TV, we’re not fat. You’re fat. No dessert for you! Doesn’t matter, it’s our cafeteria, closed to the public anyway. Hahaha.
A fire erupted on Tuesday on the Fourth Floor of the TV Network where industry-related shows are rehearsed. 22 people connected to the staff of a popular entertainment show apparently died. The third floor is being used for a morgue. (Do we ever go on Three, Jane? Four? No, I don’t ever go there, either…). The cause of the fire is not known.
Three rapes occurred on the roof of this television station in broad daylight some time last month. None of the victims, one of whom is a highly respected sports anchor, were harmed. Well, sports….You’re looking sporty, Dick! Just KIDDING!!
Ten heavily armed men wearing Hillary masks stormed the lobby of this TV broadcast center with military-style automatic weapons, killing seventy-five station staffers and taking twenty hostages. (I NEVER go through the lobby, oh God, I mean never, do you, Dick? No, never). They later escaped after robbing the victims. No descriptions are available, but none are suspected to be any of the newly released undocumented non-legal visiting visitors — due to Sequester — which was caused by George Bush anyway. And definitely none were heard by survivors to shout Viva Mexico! or Allah Akbar! or Long Live Pango Pango! or Hoorah Beijing!
Our roving helicopter newsman reports there are three cows on the interstate stalling morning rush hour. (We should all have disaster plans, you know, like an escape routine. Do you have that, Jane? Oh, right the bodyguards have it worked out. Me too.)
Mr Bunny, a popular children’s TV program host, fell after the close of the show and began to convulse, on Monday. One of the show’s clowns put a clamp on Bunny’s tongue, but by the time the television station nurse arrived from the second floor, Mr Bunny had died. (So, Jane, is the show cancelled? Reruns? Oh right…) There will be a substitute host for Mr Bunny tomorrow, right on schedule. (So, Jane…is that a national show? Oh right, local). Never mind.
No actual persons or bunnies were hurt in these stories. I made it all up. What is hurt is the audience — expecting actual reporting. We’re sick of slop, inaccuracies, obfuscation, your ill-formed opinions inserted as genuine useful information. And really bad grammar, really sick of that. Straighten up or go away.