Brown Toilet Paper?

This just in…..

The civilized world is about to achieve a brand new silly bit of back to the future. In the news this morning, following ‘extensive research’ and no doubt considerable rarefied polling, creators of the indispensable dispensable are introducing the eco-friendly look of a simpler, rougher era: ergo, kraft-brown toilet paper. A look, by the way, mostly confined to eastern block Europe in by-gone days, if you could even find it. 

America’s genius for inventive manufacturing and the perfectly tuned sales pitch has evolved a simple household necessity from whatever to divine. What was standard scratchy when Beaver and Wally were in (a clean, well-run, education-oriented) public school has metamorphosed into the playthings of polar bears and thickly soft enough to float a family of four straight to Nirvana. What used to be whispered is now competitively proclaimed for its various un-shy attributes. The code used to be T.P. because saying “toilet” was considered crass but we’ve come a long way, baby. Tampons, condoms, Viagra, and sex toys cast a long shadow on any prohibitive constraint when it comes to the very public marketing of pampering to very intimate function.

The cost has skyrocketed along with dizzying variety. Colors, scents, patterns, political statements, and the occasional villain image have been stamped on bathroom tissue for fresh appeal. Somewhere along the line, hysteria erupted about potential injury of color dies to hitherto unmentionable parts of the human body, the same parts now joyfully demoed in film, song, emails, and phone cameras operated by grade schoolers. I mean really. We are living through what will one day be celebrated as the most holy era of anal sex about which, currently, enough good can hardly be spoke and any disdainful word will require sensitivity training, add taxes to your church, or get you fired from MSNBC. Is it any wonder that toilet paper is right up there in the world consciousness, ever ready for change, rehab, and progress.

If anything, anything at all can be the penultimate convincer of the American public that we are in a downward spiral to third world status, that we are becomingly and proudly equal to miserable civilizations who still crap with paper bag wipes, newspapers, or dry leaves, it is the advent of brown toilet paper in the homes and apartments and RV’s and yurts of our fruited plains. Lets see how it flies at home, and if there’s a fan-base.


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